Fighting the Devastating Impact of Mental Anguish

I'm still deep in this post divorce abyss. Yes, I know I'm still off-topic here on my PPD blog, but I don't want to not post anything at all while I'm in this horrible place. I have a feeling I'll be here for a while. And I really need to have a voice during this time. But honestly, PPD is not the foremost topic on my mind right now. Right now, it's all about survival and getting through this in one piece.

I do feel that a lot of what I'm experiencing mentally and emotionally correlates to many of the repercussions I experienced fourteen years ago when I suffered so terribly from postpartum depression. I can't sleep -- I'm fighting all kinds of swirling emotions -- but most of all I'm just so sad.

I can't believe my marriage to Neil Zucconi ended up the way it did. And I can't believe that I had to call the local police on February 5 to have him removed from my home. Until the police officers who showed up that awful night advised me to file an Order of Protection, I had absolutely no idea what one was or how to file for one. This whole ordeal has been quite an education. And one I didn't think I'd ever have to learn.

Hopefully soon I'll have the peace of mind to get back to my PPD posting and advocacy work. But for now, please bear with me as I come back up for air. And if anyone reading this has anything they'd like to share on this topic, please feel free.

Dealing with Divorce and a Restraining Order

Unfortunately I haven't posted here in a while due to personal reasons. Although not related to postpartum depression, my present situation is just as devastating on a mental and emotional level, and I'm guessing there are plenty of women who can relate, so I'll share what's going on with me right now....

I just recently divorced and it has been extremely traumatic. My marriage to Neil Zucconi was quite brief; after about 10 months I filed for divorce. And shortly after that, on March 19, 2010, I filed an Order of Protection (restraining order) with the Superior Court in Phoenix, and he was subsequently served on April 30. One challenging aspect of this has been the fact that Neil is in law enforcement, as an air marshal with TSA. The amount of mental anguish and emotional stress and general fear that I've been dealing with in filing this restraining order has overwhelmed me. (You can find a lot more about this on my other blog, http://orderofprotectionsurvivor.blogspot.com.)

I'm in the process of reaching out to others who are dealing with or who have dealt with filing a restraining order against a spouse or significant other. I'm also looking for divorce support groups and other resources that might help as I head towards recovery. I know it's going to be a long haul. I think that to some extent, I'm still in shock about what has happened. I didn't see this coming at all. It actually reminds me a lot of the many months back in 1996 when I was on the road to recovery from postpartum depression. Once again, I'm dealing with feelings of shock, helplessness, fear, anger, sadness, and of course, a big blow to my self esteem.

This is definitely not easy.

Does Postpartum Depression ever go away?

I was just asked a really good question: how can you tell when your PPD is gone? The mom who asked this question is feeling better, her PPD symptoms have disappeared, and yet .... there is still this persistent fear that PPD might sneak back around and bite her. I can so relate to this, as can probably any woman who has recovered from PPD, because it's so frightening and can be so incredibly devastating. I know when I got pregnant my last time, I was ready to do anything and I mean anything to avoid suffering through PPD again.

When it comes to knowing for sure when you're well past the nightmare days of PPD, I think it just takes time. I remember when I was still in the throes of PPD and had started on an anti-depressant while going to a psychologist, I honestly couldn't even see an end to it. I couldn't imagine ever being well and functioning the way I used to. But gradually, as my PPD symptoms started to disappear and I regained a sense of my old familiar self, my confidence and self esteem started to build. The more time went by, the more activities I started doing with my kids, and the more confident I became. I saw my psychologist for one year before she told me that she felt I was doing great and that I no longer needed talk therapy. This was a huge milestone for me and I think that with her doing that, it kind of gave me permission to tell myself that my PPD was gone forever. That horrible, stomach-churning fear that my symptoms would come back unannounced just disappeared. I was finally well. But, I honestly think that this realization of being well could have happened much sooner than one year out. I just didn't have the confidence yet. Fortunately, my psychologist nudged me in the right direction.

So, I guess long story short, it's important to take each day as it comes, whether you're in the midst of PPD or in recovery from it. The more "good" days you have under your belt, the more confident you'll get and at some point you'll come to the realization that you're well and can put PPD behind you. The realization may come in an ah-ha moment or it may come gradually. But it will happen and you'll go forward knowing that you can do anything.